Hi Mom. I miss you: saying goodbye

Yesterday (May 13, 2023) was my mom’s funeral. She asked each of her 9 kids to share a memory.

She was a lifelong member of this church, so her service was held in Mormon chapel, which, as you all may be able to imagine, was complicated for me.

I thought you all would be appreciated this as well on this mother’s day for all those who struggle with their families because of Mormonism.

Sending love to all kinds of moms and families today

💙/ nic

My hand under my mom's hand from the last time I we held hands.

I decided to write my talk directly to you, as, you may have guessed, talking from the pulpit of your church is complicated for me as a trans apostate & Mormon historian. And since hard conversations are how we came back together, addressing the challenges and beauty of our relationship feels like the truest way for me to honor you. 

I didn’t want to talk about Mormonism today. As I’ve been thinking of our shared memories and looking for something to share about your life and death, I really tried not to include this part of our relationship,

But our relationship is shaped by it. The main stages of our relationship revolve around my proximity to your religion. — My childhood, when I was still Mormon and we were close. — The time after I left Mormonism when we didn’t really talk for over a decade. — And when I started reconnecting with our shared religious history rooted in our ancestors during which time I intentionally sought to reconnect with you. 

And now I’m in a Mormon church in a dress and your pearls as you’re maybe settling in to a heaven with a sign that says “transgender freaky people need not apply.”

I’m remembering 4 years ago when we sat watching the forever families videos at the temple visitor’s center. I asked you how you tend to the idea that we can’t be together in our deaths, because of the decisions I’ve made — desicions which have improved my life and the lives of my communities. You answered that beyond all the teachings, what you know is that your God knows best and isn’t separating families who love each other, regardless of the rituals. 

I know it was painful for you when some of your children didn’t follow the path you set out for us. I know it was painful to broaden those paths to include the ones that many of us chose for ourselves. But because you did, because you continued to reached out in love even when it was painful, we were able to walk together hand in hand on a shared path. To have hard conversations that brought us closer together, and now today I can let you go knowing we didn’t leave anything unspoken.  

I think you knew you didn’t have much time left and you knew that I felt your church made a wedge between us, with their proclamation on the family excluding me from our family. And I felt that because of this you were repeatedly very clear about how much you love me. 

I love you mom. I hope you’ve found your home in each of our hearts. That you can finally be, as you always wanted in life, with all of your children at the same time all the time.